USA World Cup: Ghana Down, Portugal To Go…..

Featured, Sports and Bets — June 21, 2014 at 1:11 pm by

by Zack The Soccer Douche
The 2014 FIFA World Cup has started and is in full swing.  With that begins a month of every girl I know asking me questions like, “Which team does David Beckham play for?”, and, “Who does Cristiano Ronaldo play for, he’s so hot.  I want that team to win!”  Or of course the old, “The USA sucks well never win.”  Which everyone says, not just chicks.

But regardless of all that, the four-year wait is finally over for soccer fans worldwide.  For American soccer fans, the World Cup is especially awesome, because its really the only time that our country gets to play with the big boys across the world.  Sure, we have the MLS which is slowly becoming better and better, but that is still just a giant amateur league.  It is also where European super stars go to die, but that’s another blog for another time.

Being an average soccer fan in America is like being a NASCAR fan.  The hardcores, including the Euros, turn their noses up at you, and everybody else makes fun of you and calls you stupid for following such a sport. Plus, as a soccer fan, you only have a few select events in which you can really enjoy your sport.  Like I said, for us American soccer fans that select event is the World Cup, and its finally here.

In their first game Americans beat Ghana.  While Ghana is probably the “easiest” team in our incredibly difficult group, which includes Portugal and Germany, Ghana had knocked Team USA out of the prior two World Cups.  That fact alone made the US victory sweet.

And the way we won was even sweeter. The US did it with an 86 minute goal by the substitute Jonathan Brooks.  That winning goal was scored after a devastating Ghana equalizer in the 82nd minute.  The US showed a lot of toughness with that win.

Now I wish I could offer further analysis or something of substance about the game, but I spent the game drinking, getting yelled at by the bartender for banging on things, and when we scored, I was hugging and half-molesting more dudes than any straight male should be allowed to.

But the bottom line is that we took 3 points from our first game victory and that puts the good old U.S. of A in a great position in our group.  We are now tied with Germany on points and we are going into the second game with a confidence that we lacked for the first match.

The first game was huge, but now that it is out of the way, this second game is “HUGE-ER-ER”.  If we win, that’s it, we advance from our group.

Then the last game against Germany would simply be for round of sixteen placement, but if we lose this second game that means we could lose to the Germans, or we face almost certain elimination.

With all that being said we have a good shot to win this second game.  The USA will be facing an extremely vulnerable Portuguese side.

Portuguese player, Pepe, decided to head-butt German player Thomas Muller in the first half of Portugal’s first game and received a red card- that’s one Portuguese starter down.  Bonus.

Also, Portuguese defender Fabio Coentrao is out.  Coentrao left the field with a muscle strain and was quoted as saying that the World Cup for him is over.  That’s two down.  Double-bonus.

Last but not least, Cristiano Ronaldo, the walking testament to how fat and worthless we all are, is injured and is questionable to play on Sunday against the USA. If this triple-bonus dream ends up coming true, then that would the best thing for American soccer since, well, ever.  If Cristiano Ronaldo, arguable the best single player in the world, is hurt and not able to play on the one day that Portugal plays the USA in the World Cup, then there is a soccer god and he is smiling on our country.

Of course Portugal is not the only one experiencing bad luck, we will not have our front man Jozy Altidore in the Portugal match up due to a hamstring injury he suffered against Ghana.  If only we had an experienced forward who instead of playing was left off the team to commentate on the World Cup…..eh, um… Landon Donovan!   But who am I to question Jurgan Klinsmann, he seems to know what he’s doing and I hope
he’ll have an answer to the Altidore situation come Sunday.  Because if he doesn’t, and we lose to Portugal, we will be in essentially the same spot we were before the World Cup started. We will desperately be needing a win.

Except this time we wont be playing Ghana, we’ll be playing Germany.

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