The Truth About Rosterbating

Humor, Sports and Bets — September 3, 2013 at 10:10 am by

Everyone has done it at one point or another. It’s ok you’re not weird, well you probably are, but for far more disturbing reasons. Sometimes we just can’t resist the urge to…that’s right rosterbate.

What exactly is Rosterbating? The Urban Dictionary defines it as being so content with your fantasy football roster that you feel the urge to masturbate to it. I’m a firm believer that there are varying degrees to which one rosterbates. I can honestly say that I’m on the lower level of varying degrees as no matter how great my team is, I find no sexual arousement in it. But hey maybe some do and to each their own.

I became aware of the term made famous by the FX series The League last year and find the concept absolutely hilarious. I interpret the term as the verbal act of letting people, who don’t care, know who you have on your fantasy team, just because you feel the need to. I used to bartend on Sunday days during football season, and I cannot even begin to quantify how many times I had to look customers in the eye and pretend I gave a flying fuck about who he had on his fantasy team. The year was 2010, “Hey man can I get the Cleveland game on this TV cause I have Colt McCoy as my fantasy quarterback. And I need New England here and the Giants here. I have Marion Barber, Ryan Grant as my backs and Terrell Owens and Steve Smith as my receivers. What do you think?” What I wanted to say-“Shut the fuck up you know nothing about fantasy football!” What I had to say-“Yeah man your team is loaded with upside, do you need any other TV s changed so you can see every one of your players all at once?”

Now everyone should be allowed a little bit of Rosterbating here and there. There are times when this is acceptable.  If you’re out for the Monday night football game and you have one player left that has to get you 14 points to win, it’s ok to let someone around you know why your pulling so particularly hard for Eric Decker in the game. And it’s also okay to do a little Rosterbating in a conversation that is based on fantasy football, you know, when the other person is prepared for it. But you should never under any circumstances just break out in sudden rosterbation in front of someone who is not mentally prepared to deal with it. Don’t turn a conversation about the Ravens passing game into a Rosterbating session about Torry Smith because you got him in the sixth round. You wouldn’t go Hans Solo on Darth Vader’s head in front of a friend, so don’t rosterbate unexpectedly in front of him either.

The next time you have the urge to rosterbate, try to remember that nobody needs to see it or hear it. You’ll endear yourself much more to your friends if you spare them the frustration of hearing you rosterbate.

One Comment

  1. Picking up Seattle Defense in 4th round = beat off immediately

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