The Great Outdoors Revisited

Entertainment — September 19, 2013 at 12:58 pm by

by Babes

Going to the vault again here for another classic, fucking hilarious, 80’s comedy.  John Candy and Dan Aykroyd are brother in-laws who are sharing a cabin in the woods with their families while on vacation.  Hilarity ensues, and if  somehow you’ve never seen it please, do yourself a favor.

Roman: I think we should go into town tomorrow and pick up a ski boat. Whaddya
say? Sound good, guys? Uncle Roman’ll blow some coin on a kick-ass drag boat!

Chet: That’s OK; we’re renting a pontoon boat.

Roman: Pontoon boat? What the hell are you going to do with a pontoon boat?
Retake Omaha Beach?

ok

Roman: [while barbequing lobsters] How about the gourmet here, you know what he
wanted? Hotdogs! You know what they make those things out of, Chet? You know?
Lips and assholes!

Bartender: He’s been struck by lightning… how many times has it been now,
Reg?

Reg: S-s-s-s-s-s-s-six…

Chet: Six times?

Reg: S-s-s-six-six-six-six-six-six-sixty-sixty-six times.
In-n-n-n-n-n-n-In-n-n-n-n-n-n-In-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n the head!

Chet: Sixty six times? God, that’s gotta hurt.

Connie Ripley: I don’t want to hear any more about anyone blowing anything out
of their ass.

[Chet is eating the last bite of the 96 ounce steak]

Roman: I think that just about does it.

Grill Chef: He’s not done yet!

Roman: It might take him a moment for that last bite to go down, but it will go
down!

Grill Chef: That ain’t the last bite!

Roman: Well sure it is, there is nothing on that plate but gristle and fat!

[the Chef raises his eyebrows]

Roman: No Problem. If I can get a dessert down him, think you can throw in a
couple of Paul Bunyan hat’s for the kids?

Roman: I gotta go to the John, I’ll be right back. Gonna introduce Mr. Thick
Dick to Mr. Urinal Cake!

Roman: Good evening. How’s it going? Listen, girls… uh… as your father, I
feel it incumbent upon me to set the record straight on the validity of the
tale which Uncle Chet shared with us this evening. I know that a terrifying
story like that coming from the mouth of a recognized authority figure could be
traumatizing for kids like yourselves; I know that, because I had a similar
experience with my uncle Roy and a story he used to tell, about a family who
went into the woods and was attacked by a band of escaped Army psychiatric
patients who’d been subjected to violent, hellish, torturous
behavior-modification experiments. It seems they escaped from the metal boxes
the Army kept them in, found his family in the woods, fell upon them,
slaughtered them and ate them. Now that story – phew – it gave me nightmares
not to be believed. Well I thought that Uncle Chet’s story upset you in the
same way. I’m here to say that there actually is NO bear and that all that
Uncle Chet was saying was just a yarn… spinning for our… entertainment. And
even if there were a bear out there, I’m in the house. To protect you. So uh…
no more thinking about bears. Alright? No more thinking about unpleasant
things. We’re gonna close our eyes and dream about nice things. About cuddly,
soft, fluffy things. Okay? Super. Good night. Sleep tight.

I tell you what I see when I look out there. I see the undeveloped resources of
Minnesota, Northern Wisconsin, and Michigan. I see a syndicated development
consortium exploiting over a billion and a half dollars in forest products. I
see a paper mill and if the strategic metals are there, a mining operation. A
greenbelt between the condos on the lake and a waste management facility
focusing on the newest rage in toxic waste, medical refuse. Infected bandages,
body parts, IV tubing, contaminated glassware, entrails, syringes, fluids,
blood, low grade radioactive waste all safely contained sunken in the lake and
sealed for centuries. Now I ask you what do you see?

bear-great-outdoors-o

Chet Ripley: I

just see…

see trees.

Roman Craig: No one ever accused you of having a grand vision.

While the ambitious scramble for wealth and power,

the Chets of the world can lay back

and casually stroll along life’s path.

That’s a compliment.

Chet Ripley: Oh thanks.

Roman Craig: The rest of us will probably die of strokes long before you!

I’ll go see where he’s bivouacked the family.

For prompt service, blow me. That’s an interesting touch.

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