The College Football All Fu@ked Up Name Team

Featured, Sports and Bets — September 2, 2014 at 10:05 pm by

People name their kids some fucked up shit these days.  The trends of last names as first names have seemed to give way to people naming their kids after inanimate objects or foods.  This is a collection of some of the best this season has to offer.

Team Offense:

Munchie Legaux– Bro, you think his parents were smoking weed when they named him?

col munchie



Jazzmar Clax:  This name is actually kinda badass.


Running Backs:

Squally Canada– Can’t comment.  Don’t know what the fuck a squally is.
Speedy Noil– Great name for a tailback, I’ll bet he didn’t get overlooked come recruiting time.
Shock Linwood–  The Shocker is running wild on college campuses everywhere….

col shock
Altee Tenpenny- He plays for Bama and I can hear this name rolling off Brent Musberger’s tongue already.


Wide Receivers:
KD Cannon– Should have been a quarterback.
Quantavius Leslie– Damn, the Romans had some fucked up names.

col toga
BJ Chitty– It’s real disappointing when a hot chick gives a chitty BJ.


Tight Ends:

Jake Butt– Tight end. Butt. Get it?
Evan Butts– I’m still pretty immature when it comes to dick and fart humor, and this falls right into that category.

Speaking of butts:

col butts


Offensive Linemen:

Jonathan Boring–  Fat + slow = most boring position in football.
Tank Davis– He just sounds like he could whoop your ass.
John Gruenschlaeger– Perfect name for an offensive lineman.  Or a German beer. Or a pack of sausages.

col sausage
Thor Jozwiak– Eastern European last name, Norse god of  thunder and comic book first name.  Sounds like a bad Polish joke, “What do get when two Pollocks fuck in a comic book store?”
Rich Queen- I heard he used to room with Michael Sam.  (Dah, dum, cha.)
Blaze Ryder– He has a built in excuse to be a pothead, or a female porn star; surprisingly, he plays for Navy.
Bearooz Yacoobi– He’s not from around here. (Or his parents aren’t.)


Team Defense:
Defensive Linemen:

Maquedius Bain– A.K.A., bad motherfucker
Taco Charleton– Smells like a mix of pico de gallo and farts.
Poona Ford– Sounds like a car dealership that sells Fords that feature dildos as stick shifts.

col poona

Finesse Middleton– His parents were upset when Finesse never made it in Tennis.
Hercules Mata’afa- An African Greek dude that kills mythical serpents and talks by clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth.
Lion King– I’m not kidding here, there really is a kid named Lion King.  Hakuna Matata, motherfucker!!!

coll lion




Gussie Busch–  Just replace the G with a P and hilarity unsues.
Zeek Bigger– Man, I hope he’s not playing dueling banjos while sitting on a rock near any mountain trails I’m hiking on.

col banjos
Bam Bailey- Bam-Bam was a pimp back in the day.

col bam
Psalm Wooching– Tree or Bible?
Eric Striker– Perfect linebacker name.
Casanova McKinzy- He bangs old broads for money in the offseason.  Is that an NCAA violation?


Defensive Backs:

Budda Baker: Mom have a love for weed or did she misspell Buddha?  Ohmmmmm…….
Mookie Carlile: Want your kid to be good at sports?  Name him Mookie.
Pudge Cotton–  I hope this kid was big enough to defend himself growing up.
Prince Charles Iworah:  Why does this remind me of Coming To America….?

Corn Elder– Why would a parent do such a cruel thing to a child.
Vegas Harley– This dude better rip shots and split aces on the regular or this name’s been wasted on just a football player.

col vegas
DeJazz Woods– DeRanged Parents
Fudge Van Hoose:  Bend over.
Weston Steelhammer– I hope he is a big hitting safety.
Money Hunter:  Probably whacks off to Wolf of Wall Street.  Get this kid a job on Wall Street ASAP.

counting money gif



Chris Blewitt– To me this name takes the cake. A kicker who’s last name is Blewitt. Not a good omen for that 32 yarder with time running out. Wait, is this Billy Cundiff’s real last name?

col diff

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