The Best Lines from Shallow Hal

Entertainment — April 7, 2014 at 3:39 pm by

by Babes

I’m pulling another classic movie from the vault today that’s loaded with hilarious one-liners. Shallow Hal was by far my favorite Jack Black movie and Jason Alexander was brilliant as his best friend Mauricio.  It’s no surprise that the majority of the best lines came from Jason Alexander.  Here are some of the best nuggets from this comedic gem.




Mauricio: She’s got CANKLES!

Ugly Women

Mauricio: The thing is all the women he’s been seeing are ugly.
Tony Robbins: Who says they’re ugly?
Mauricio: Bausch & Lomb.

The Bakery

[after introducing his overweight girlfriend to Mauricio]
Hal: Does she take the cake, or what?
Mauricio: She takes the whole bakery, Hal.

Famous Turds
Mauricio: Hey Hal, come look at this turd! It looks like Klinger from M.A.S.H.!
Heidi, Britney Michelle, and Rebecca
Hal: Well, that face, but with better headlights. You know how hers have kind of dimmed lately? Heidi Klums beams would do. And her teeth. Or, ooh, that Britney Spears girl. She’s got great knockers. But she’s a tad muscular. Uh, actually, you know what? Her ass would do, too, if she had a better grille. Like, uh, Michelle Pfeiffer back when she did “Grease 2”. But she’d have to be a little smilier than Michelle. Kinda like Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, before she got Stamosed. But not as skinny. Someone a little meatier, like Heidi. But without the accent. You know those accents: yah-yah-yah-yah. They really get old fast. You know what I mean. Someone like that.

One Breast

Tony Robbins: Ok Hal, hypothetical situation; Which do you prefer, a girlfriend missing one breast or half a brain?
Hal: Hmmm, toughie. What about the remaining breast? Is it big?


Quips, Not Slooowps

Mauricio: You can’t come back with a comeback after eight seconds. You got three seconds. Five, tops. It’s called a quip, not a sloooowwwwp.


Big Game Hunter
Rosemary: I saw the way your friend Mauricio looked at me; I thought he was going to shoot me with a tranquilizer gun and tag my ear.

Ass Wipe

Walt: Let’s just say if I had an ass, I’d wipe it with twenties.


Hal: What are you doing?
Mauricio: I am rescuing you.
Hal: From what?
Mauricio: From what? From a pack of stampeding buffalo, that’s what!

Missile Launch

Mauricio: Hey, you got anything better to read? I gotta go fire off a missile.


[Hal is going to make his move on some unattractive girls]
Hal: I’m going for the one in the middle. You can have your pick of the other two.
Mauricio: So you get the hyena, and I have to choose between the hippo and the giraffe?


Circus Toes

You’re dumping Loni?


Are you crazy? Lindy’s gorgeous!

Yeah, but the other day she was sitting on the couch and she’s got her bare feet on the coffee table and I notice her second toe is like half an inch longer than her big toe!

That’s why you’re dumping her?!

Hey, I don’t need that circus shit!


What then I’m dating a nub!


Ahh! Did you see the toe?!


And Vicki?
– Who?
– Vicki!
– Who’s Vicki?
Vicki-Vicki. With the short brown hair.
Vicki? l thought that was a guy.
l was calling her Vic!


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