Te’o’s Dead Girl was Fake

News — January 17, 2013 at 4:30 am by

We all watched Alabama rip through Notre Dame’s defense and Mantei Te’o’s dream of becoming a top five pick.  That was a tough night for the celebrated middle linebacker.  But it was nothing he couldn’t handle.  After all, he had sustained the passing of his grandmother, and perhaps even more tragically, the passing of  his beloved girlfriend.   We had seen the interviews earlier this season.  The young vibrant girl taken from this earth by the cruelties of leukemia.  Somehow number 5 had managed to carry on for the Irish. ” What courage!”, we said.  “How does he have the strength to carry on?”, we asked.  Well now we know how.  It was because this girl never really existed.  Was it a cruel hoax played on an already emotionally scarred athlete?  Was it a sick publicity stunt made up by a psychotic linebacker?  Either way I have some advice for  Mantei so he can avoid such a situation in the future.

First, if you have never seen the person you are “dating”, you are not dating.  What jackass came up with the idea that you can type some shit on a computer to each other and consider it dating?  If you have never been within 2 feet of each other you are not dating.

Second, if you did not go to your girlfriends’ funeral, she was not your girlfriend.  I don’t think I need to elaborate here.

Third, phone sex does not count as real sex.  If you have not touched the hot chick, you have not slept with the hot chick.  Did he tell his boys he was banging this broad?

And finally,  blow up dolls do not get cancer.  You can dig her up from the practice field and use her again if you want.