Stone Cold, Five Star, Rocking Chair, Lead Pipe NFL Locks. Week 5.

Sports and Bets — October 10, 2015 at 12:10 am by

Cha-Ching, babes.  The Wire went a combined 7-4 last week.  Real solid, and a winning week in this crazy game make one feel like William Wallace and Company at the battle of Stirling Bridge.  Hooold.  Hooold. Then slaughter the British Calvary.  Bring on the infantry, you limey bastards.

Bookies beware, we got blue-painted faces and there’s blood in the water….

Babes (Season: 3-6)

As much as I hate to say it, I’m on the Browns this week getting 6.5.  Favorites of 6.5 points are 108-143 ATS since 1989, as that’s the classic line where Vegas wants you to take the favorite.  They dangle that half a point, knowing most of the time the game will be closer to a three or four point difference.   The road team in this series has covered 8 of the last ten as well, so all signs say take the points.

I’m also all over the Pack at home this week laying 9 against the Rams.  GB is 27-14 ATS at home since 2009 (9-5 ATS as favs of 12 plus).  Aaron Rodgers is simply too good at home for a Rams team that won’t be able to keep up on the scoreboard.  The Rams are coming off a big upset win on the road against Arizona, and are not in the right spot to be challenging the best team in the NFC in a consecutive week.

Zach (Season: 7-5)

3-0 last week, come get it while it’s hot. Don’t expect anything less than a repeat with these picks this week.

Jacksonville +2.5 over Tampa Bay- Any time a team is an underdog this year to the Bucs, I’m riding it hard, I don’t care what the venue is. Jameis is throwing a lot of picks, and they’re ripe for the taking. A lot of confidence on the Jags this week.
New England -8 over Dallas- Brandon Weeden can’t go score for score with Tom Brady, and that’s the entire basis of this prediction. Yes the Patriots are an eight point favorite on the road, and that seems like an insane number, but the Pats have had two weeks to prepare for Weeden. Enough said.

Oakland +4.5 over Denver- Denver’s been winning, but teams have kept it close with them. The Raiders aren’t the doormat they used to be, and although I think they lose the game, I think this one stays close.

Toby (Season: 5-7)

After a horrendous 1-5 start, I’ve managed to put together back-to-back 2-1 weeks. In the words of the great poet J. Cole, ya boy’s “heatin’ up like that leftover lasagna.” Bon appétit, motherfuckers.

The Game: St. Louis Rams at Green Bay Packers (-9)
The Pick: Packers

I’ve gotta agree with my esteemed colleague Mr. Babes on this one. All DJ Khaled does is win, and all Green Bay does is steamroll the opposition at home. When favored by a touchdown or more at Lambeau Field, the Packers have covered in 12 of their last 16 games. They’ve also covered in eight straight home games when favored by 10 points or less. With this week’s spread lying right in the sweet spot between these two trends, I’m practically salivating to make this wager. Or, that could just be a side effect from the 15 minutes I spent googling Olivia Munn pictures. Have mercy.


The Game: Chicago Bears at Kansas City Chiefs (-9)
The Pick: Bears

I really don’t think the Bears are any good, but how in the hell are the 1-3 Chiefs laying nine points against anybody!? The only way this line makes sense is if Andy Reid is favored to eat nine more pork barbecue sandwiches than John Fox at halftime. Both these defenses have been terrible, as they’re tied with each other for dead last in the league in points allowed per game (31.3). My gut tells me that this will be a back-and-forth, high-scoring affair, and Jay Cutler will find a way to blow it with a back-breaking turnover in crunch time. But cheer up, Jay. A cover and a post-game cig is still a fantastic day at the office.


The Game: Denver Broncos (-5) at Oakland Raiders
The Pick: Raiders

This pick feels a little foolish, considering that it doesn’t seem like the Raiders have covered against the Broncos since Rich Gannon was slingin’ sidearm dimes all over the fucking place. But while Denver’s defense is terrifying, Peyton Manning’s noodle arm doesn’t worry me in the slightest. This season, the 39-year-old has thrown six TDs to five INTs while posting a career-worst 6.3 yards per pass attempt and an 80.8 QB rating that is his worst since his rookie year. Manning’s not dead yet, but the buzzards are most definitely circling. Another positive for the Raiders is that Jack Del Rio is very familiar with Denver’s personnel after being their defensive coordinator from 2012-2014 and serving as an interim head coach for four weeks in 2013. Combine these two factors with a raucous Oakland crowd and the Raiders’ young trifecta of offensive talent (Derek Carr, Latavius Murray, and Amari Cooper), and Peyton’s going to be in for an especially big headache this Sunday.


Seabass (Season: 7-5)

Good fucking gravy, these games are hideous this week.  Big spreads, AFC/NFC matchups and bye weeks abound.  But there’s still some value here and I’m looking for it like those crazy ass women on Extreme Couponing.  Newspapers, mailers, hell, even dumpsters, nothing stops these broads from getting 25 cents off a 15 pound drum of peanut butter.  Me, I’m looking for over valued and under valued football teams. Same concepts apply.  If I had to sift through a stinky, reeking dumpster to beat my book, I’d do it eight days a fucking week.  Let’s go…


(Jesus, this poor kid.)

Game: Seahawks @ Bengals (-3)        Pick: Bengals

Boy Seattle’s offense line sucks donkey balls.  And they are only a three point dog here based on their reputation.  Meanwhile, the Bengals may be the most talented team in football. The Bengals D is on point these days, and the Ginger is playing like he’s the second coming of Dan Marino. Plus, Russell Wilson refuses to sleep with his blazing hot girlfriend.  I can’t support that kind of behavior.  Bengals by a touchdown.  I mean, really dude?


Game: Patriots (-9) @ Cowboys                  Pick: Patriots

Patriots coming off a bye.  They are focused and playing out of their minds.  I know it’s a road favorite, and all the sharps will jump on Dallas based on the number, but I don’t care.  Brady  > Weeden.   I may hate the Patriots, but I love when they bring me money.

Game: 49ers @ Giants (-7)       Pick: Giants

I am laying some lumber this week, but the 49ers suck.  Remember when that turtle-banger Colin Kaepernick was being marketed as a future super star?  Yeah, hasn’t worked out.  Now the hapless and beat-up Niners come all the way east to face Eli and company.  The Giants looked razor sharp last week in their win up in Buffalo and they are legitimately just two or three plays away from being undefeated.  Look for the Giants to shut down the run and force Kap to chuck.  Blowout city, babes.


Good luck to all!

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