Stone Cold, Five Star, Rocking Chair, Lead Pipe NFL Locks. Book It, Babes. Week 3.

Sports and Bets — September 25, 2015 at 1:48 pm by

Hideous display of handicapping last week.  The Wire went a combined 2-10 last week against the number.  That’s horrific and it sure as shit ain’t buying cartons of Newports and cases of Boh, which are essential to sustaining life around this office.  But will we give in?  Will we let the book take our guap without a fight?  Let Clay Davis answer that question….

Here we go….
Babes (Season: 2-3 )

Brutal week in the NFL last week, as survivor leagues all across America crashed and burned. They say the NFL loves parity, well they got it last week with the Colts, Saints, Ravens, and Giants all losing outright as favorites.  Time to get back on track as we roll into week 3.
Call me a contrarian but I love the Eagles this week on the road getting 1.5 points.  The game opened as a pick, and the public has bet it up, overreacting to both the Jets success and the Eagles failure last week.  The Eagles have won 9 straight against the Jets, but I’m just betting on Chip Kelly here.  I think he rights the ship, and the Jets come back to Earth and fall to 2-1.

I also love the Ravens. Call it my preference of a true standard deviation, but the Ravens getting into the win column for the first time makes the most sense to me.  Coach Harbaugh will right the ship here, and the Ravens win a close game.

I’m also gonna roll with the Lions at home Sunday night against the Broncos.  They are another 0-2 team having their home opener this week. This another case of Detroit being better then their record, and Denver not being as good as there’s.  Yes this is the theme of the week, pick winless teams but it will pay off.


Zach ( Season:  2-4)

It was a tough week for me last week and it’s time to get back on track.

Arizona (-6) over San Francisco- The Cardinals are being overlooked again, which leads me to believe this spread is closer than it should be. The Niners looked terrible on the road last week against a bad Steelers D, and they’ll struggle again versus the Cardinals. I think this is a double digit win for AZ.
Baltimore (-2.5) over Cincinnati- Despite being 0-2, the Ravens are favored over the 2-0 Bengals. It’s do or die for the Ravens, and I like them to get the home win and cover the spread here. I just can’t envision the Ravens opening the season at 0-3.
Green Bay (-6.5) over Kansas City- The Packers don’t turn the ball over at home, and without forcing turnovers, there’s no way the Chiefs can go point for point with the Pack.
 Toby (Season: 1-5)

Jesus Christ, my picks have been abysmal. In my defense, I made my Week 2 picks in about five minutes while I was sailing the seven seas on a luxurious vessel. I legitimately thought the Rams were playing at home until I saw the opening fucking kickoff. Oh well, shit happens. Those piña coladas weren’t going to drink themselves, babes.


The Game: Pittsburgh Steelers (-1) at St. Louis Rams
The Pick: Steelers

It pains me to side with those black and yellow douchers, but this line is way too inviting to pass up. The Steelers lead the NFL in yards per game (458.5), they’re 3rd in points per game (32.0), and now they’re getting back All-World running back Le’Veon Bell. There’s no way Nick Foles and company will be able to keep pace with this high-octane offense. Take the Steelers and kick your bookie’s teeth in.

The Game: Oakland Raiders at Cleveland Browns (-3.5)
The Pick: Raiders

It’s baffling to me that Mike Pettine has decided to go with Josh McCown over Johnny Fucking Football. McCown is a 36-year-old journeyman with a career record of 17-32 and a TD to INT ratio of 61:59. What the hell is the point of playing him? Turn loose your 22-year-old former first round pick with a Heisman on his résumé. Manziel may be raw and unproven, but all that McCown has proven over his career is that he’s a goddamn bum. Latavius Murray’s going to run all over Cleveland’s porous front seven, Derek Carr will make a few big plays through the air, and Oakland’s going to come away with at least a cover and possibly an outright victory. If the Raiders do pull out the W, Pettine better personally call Manziel to apologize after the game. And be sure to speak up, Mikey.

The Game: Cincinnati Bengals at Baltimore Ravens (-2.5)
The Pick: Ravens

Everybody’s throwing dirt on the Ravens’ grave, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. The Ravens play their best football when their backs are against the wall and that is exactly where they will find themselves this Sunday. The Bengals did beat the Ravens last year in Baltimore’s home opener, but that was a total aberration. In the John Harbaugh era, the Ravens are 45-11 at home, 6-1 in home openers, and 5-2 against the Bengals at home. In four career games in Baltimore, Andy Dalton has gone 1-3 while completing 55.6% of his passes and throwing four TDs to seven INTs. It probably won’t be pretty, but the Ravens will find a way to emerge victorious and cover the spread in front of a raucous home crowd. Don’t count ’em out yet, babes.

Seabass ( Season: 4-2 )

“The football give to you the money, Reech, and the football take it away.”   That’s a true real-life quote from a Greek guy named Gus who I worked for at Marathon Deli while I attended school in College Park.  Gus was cool; when he won big, he’d give out a few bucks to his staff so they could hit the local bars and get shit-canned.  He was also wise in his gambling quotes.  Football does give and football does take-away; and last week football took like I was Lufthansa and it was Jimmy The Gent….

Oh well.  Turn the fucking page and move on, that’s all you can do.  Jet’s go…

Game : Eagles @ Jets (-2)   Pick: Jets

That’s right, I said Jet’s go, because that’s exactly what they are going to do.  The Eagles have problems and with Sam Bradford running a zone read without the threat of Sam Bradford running, it’s been tee-off time on the Philly backfield.  I see much of same against the Jets this week, especially with Revis and company giving island time to the young Eagle receiving corps.  Plus, old man Fitz has been quite effective with New York’s new arsenal of offensive weaponry.  Hear that Chip?  It’s your NFL clock ticking.  (Love to see him accept a $100 gazillion to become the Terps next coach.)

Randy Edsall


Game: 49ers @ Cardinals (-6.5)  Pick: 49ers

The 49ers probably aren’t good.  But they are getting almost a TD against a bitter division rival that barely beat the shitty Saints at home in the desert.  The Cards did beat the shit outta the Bears in Chicago, but who cares?  The Bears blow.  In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if the 49ers pulled this one off.  Expect a tough and physical affair, and in tough and physical affairs, 6.5 is too many points.

Game: Jaguars @ Patriots (-13.5)  Pick: Patriots

I hate doing this on so many levels, but money is money and laying lumber is sometimes what you have to do to make money.  The Jags will be outmanned, outgunned, and outclassed.   They will be intimidated from the second that half-deflated football gets kicked into the autumnal New England sky.  They will be bringing a knife to a gun fight.  They will be confused.  They will be hunting rabbits with elephant guns.  They will get killed.  Lay the points, babes.

Good luck to all…..



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