Stone Cold, Five Star, Rocking Chair, Lead Pipe NFL Locks. Book It, Babes. Week 1

Sports and Bets — September 10, 2015 at 11:33 pm by

Well, it’s that time of year again.  Time for Sunday wagers and wheelbarrows full of cash being dumped onto your living room floor by your beleaguered and confused bookie.

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All the principals here at the Wire are in on the action.  Presenting our NFL Week One Locks…..

Babes (Season 0-0):

Time to get off to a profitable start this season, and two words will help you do it- home dogs!  That’s right, this week one slate is one of the toughest the NFL has ever produced.  Get ready to see your survivor pools get cut in half after one week, folks.

I’m taking the Rams at home, getting four points against the defending NFC champs.  The Rams always play Seattle tough at home, and their defense is shortly going to be mentioned in the same breath as the Hawks.  With Aaron Donald and their four other first round defensive lineman, Marshawn Lynch should find tough sledding behind a pitiful Hawks offensive line.  Couple that with the fact that Seattle will be playing without Kam Chancellor and a hobbled Earl Thomas, and I like the Rams to win a close and low scoring affair.

I’m also going home dog with Oakland getting a field goal at home against Cincy.  It’s a leap of faith, but the Raiders have been trending in the right direction for almost a year now.  Ever since they picked up their first win late last year, all signs are pointing up.  They have a young talented ascending trio in Derek Carr, Latavius Murray, and Amari Cooper.  They have one of the premier young defensive players in the game in Khalil Mack, and a fresh start with new head coach Jack Del Rio.  Call this a feeling, but look for 7-9 wins from this Oakland team, with the first being this Sunday while catching the Bengals off-guard.  Besides, haircuts like this scream winning……

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Zach (Season 0-0):

Bears (+7) over Packers- The Bears being down a touchdown at home is ridiculous. I don’t care how bad they were last year, or how good the Packers are. The Pack will be figuring out life without Jordy Nelson, and I’ll take a home touchdown underdog 99% of the time.

Rams (+4) over Seahawks- Again, another home underdog. Seattle isn’t the same on the road as they are at home, the Rams have a solid defense, The line opened at Seattle (-3), and has moved to (-4), and as long as this one stays above a field goal difference, I like the Rams to cover at home.
Cardinals (-2.5) over Saints- This will probably be the only game of the year Carson Palmer is healthy, so let’s take advantage of it. I’d be shocked if the Saints get this win on the road, and I like the Cards to cover the spread here.
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Toby (Season: 0-0)

The Game: Miami Dolphins (-4) at Washington Redskins
The Pick: Redskins

Yes, you read that correctly. I’m willingly picking the Washington Redskins to cover a football game. As we all know, the season hasn’t even started yet and the Skins are in total disarray. They’ve got a racist-ass name, a rat bastard for an owner, QB drama for days, and they’re pretty much the laughingstock of the NFL. These reasons are exactly why I’m picking them. This is a classic zig when everyone else zags move. Everyone is down on the Skins and high on the Dolphins, so I’m going against the grain. Every goddamn year I hear about how the Dolphins are finally going to make some noise in the AFC East and every goddamn year they disappoint. Grab the points and laugh your way to the bank like your name’s Eric Cartman.

The Game: Kansas City Chiefs at Houston Texans (-1)
The Pick: Chiefs

This has all the makings of a low-scoring, defensive slugfest, but I’m taking the Chiefs because of their talent on the offensive side of the ball. The Chiefs have three legitimate playmakers in Jamaal Charles, Jeremy Maclin, and Travis Kelce. With Arian Foster sidelined, the Texans have DeAndre Hopkins and a bunch of slapdicks. Plus, Brian Hoyer makes Alex Smith look like John fucking Elway. I can taste that victory Snickers bar already.

The Game: Carolina Panthers (-3.5) at Jacksonville Jaguars
The Pick: Jaguars

I am buying into the Blake Bortles hype. The 2nd year QB out of The University of Central Florida worked on his mechanics this offseason and had a very solid preseason, going 39-for-60 for 461 yards and a TD. It won’t be too difficult for Bortles and the Jaguars to improve on their horrid 2014 campaign, but I think they’re going to take a nice step forward this season. On the other hand, it looks to me that the Panthers are in for some regression. Ted Ginn, Jr. and Philly Brown are currently listed as the top two receivers on Carolina’s depth chart, which sounds like a bad practical joke. Points will be at a premium in this one, so take the 3.5 and pray that Bortles doesn’t make any mistakes dumber than breaking up with Lindsey Duke.

Seabass (Season 0-0):

Well last year was a complete disaster wagering-wise, and I swore off NFL betting  forever.  So here I am getting involved in Week One.  One thing’s for sure – I’ve got great will-power and resolve.  Why should I when there’s so much free money out there?  Let’s go.

The Game: Chiefs @ Texans (-1)   The Pick: Chiefs

I am on the Chiefs.  With Jamaal Charles, Alex Smith, Jeremy Maclin, and Travis Kelce, they’ve quietly assembled what could be a very nice offense.  On the other side of the ball, Justin Houston might put Brian Hoyer out of football for good.  Plus, who wouldn’t want to root for Andy Reid looking like a big pitcher of Kool-Aid on a warm September afternoon in humid-ass Houston.  Count my money as the Cheifs win outright…..OHHHHH YEAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!

Kansas City Chiefs v Jacksonville Jaguars

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The Game: Colts (-2.5) @ Bills     The Pick: Bills

The Bills might have the best defense in football. And with the mad foot and football genius, Rex Ryan at the helm, schemes are going to get real interesting.  Is it me or does this feel like a trap game for the Colts?  The Bills will run all over their still soft D, and that scheming and brutal Bills defense should hit Luck enough to get him a bit off his game.  Plus, that stadium is going to be nuts.  2.5 seem low ?  Cols should be a bigger umber ? Nah, it’s a trap for bettors, too.  Go the other way and play the smart home doggie.  Bills win outright in a close one that will give Buffalo fans a gleam of hope.

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The Game: Eagles (-3)@ Falcons     The Pick: Falcons

Another home doggie is barking, this time on a Monday night.  The Eagles are apparently winning the Super Bowl due to their incredible pre-season.   Hahahahahahahahahaha.  Pump the brakes, Philly, it’s August football you’re getting excited about.  The Eagles haven’t done dick yet and with a glass vase at quarterback and a still average looking secondary, we’ll see how things go when  it’s real football time.  They’ve got a tough test down in Atlanta against an indoor air-show offense and a Seahawk inspired defense.  I feel a close one coming in the Dome.  Take the points, especially if it floats to 3.5 or 4.

Good luck to all.

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