O.C. Bar Crawl….Live Like A Slocal

Featured, Pubs and Grub — June 23, 2013 at 2:38 pm by

by Brian Mc

Vacation season is upon us and there is no better place to spend a summer vacation than Ocean City, Maryland. While some people can lay on the beach all day until they are crisp, I usually get bored and start to look like a steamed lobster after an hour or two.  But I’m not here to talk about my sunburn, I’m here to tell you about what the Slocals (summer locals) do on the slower lower part of Maryland’s eastern shore when they don’t have their toes in the water or sand in their ass, and when they aren’t stuck at work at one of OC’s many restaurants, watering holes, retail outlets, or other various amusements.

Know this...Natural Light is the champagne of the Eastern Shore

Know this…Natural Light is the champagne of the Eastern Shore

 Let me just start by saying that you should always consume alcohol responsibly and never drink and drive. It is in my nature to always follow-up something serious with something slightly sarcastic or cynical, but this is too serious, so let me reiterate. ALWAYS consume alcohol responsibly and NEVER drink and drive. Public intoxication and drunk driving are both against the law and very dangerous, especially in a pedestrian dense area like OC in the summer time where many of those around you are used to driving in small towns and down country roads. Every summer, several people get injured or killed trying to cross Coastal Highway. Often times they could have made it, but failed to see that car that was too busy looking up the highway at oncoming traffic, waiting for their first chance to pull out.  And drivers don’t always see the drunk guy running out 30 ft. up the street ahead of them as they look over their shoulder to change lanes, so ALWAYS cross at a marked cross-walk. You are much more visible crossing at a major intersection while using a cross-walk. Please take this advice. The OCPD will ticket you for jaywalking, but I am much more concerned that you live to tell me that my idea of a good day at the beach sucks in the comment section below.

 Now with that said, most of the Slocals like to spend their days off hitting the local watering holes, where they like to pace themselves and space each drink with an ice water to avoid dehydration and heat exhaustion while getting too much sun. (None of that is true.)

 Ocean City has a plethora of cabs, and one of the best bus systems you’ll ever find thanks to the fact that there’s only one main road. Take advantage of these while bar-hopping. The bus is only $1 each trip, or you can buy a pass and ride all day for $3 (6am-6am). Ocean City is also very walkable with side walks everywhere and crosswalks everywhere else worth walking.

Don't be an asshole...use the bus when drinking

Don’t be an asshole…use the bus when drinking

 We’ll start our day by meeting our friends at Seacrets at 49th Street and the bay at 11 a.m. They have a big parking lot where you can leave your car overnight if you need to, or like I said above, hop on the bus. Half of us won’t get there until noon, I’ll see you guys at 12:30. I’m not a jerk, this is just my way of drinking responsibly. I’ll miss the first two rounds of Cherry Bombs and at least one beer. Advantage me! At this point we are going to immediately lose half of our crew who will want to hang out on the rafts at Seacrets for the rest of the day. This is fine, we’ll stay and hang with them for a bit while Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb get some lunch. I ate at home, which is my other reason for being and hour and a half late. BTW, all beers are on special for $3 at Seacrets on Thursdays, and they have Three Olives Bombs for $5.75. So let’s pretend it’s Thursday. This will seem more fun.

 We’ll probably leave Seacrets and go to the Holiday Inn Pool bar on 67th Street. This is a good place to get a little sun and maybe cool off with a quick dip in the pool. The pool is for registered guests only, but if you stay close to the bar and spend some money, no one usually seems to mind if you’re not staying there. It’s Thursday and no one is checking in until the weekend anyway.

Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn...

Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn…

When we get done at the pool bar, we should probably seek a little refuge from the sun. Tweedle Dee and Dumb didn’t put on any sunblock. This is a good time to head downtown and hit some bars on Ocean City’s famous boardwalk.

The Purple Moose between Talbot and Caroline Streets is a great place to get out of the sun. We can make fun of the old heads and piss them off by playing Tip Toe Through the Tulips 15 times in a row with the Touch Tunes App on our smart phones. I’ve actually been doing this already from the pool bar, but it is more fun to see them all angrily glare towards the jukebox as they try to figure out who keeps doing it. Now lets play the entire self-titled Wilson Phillips album and get the hell out of here. The crazy carpet is making me want to gamble, and I see that pink devil (Keno Machine for those who don’t know) sitting up there by the T-shirt counter.

Produced by the pink devil...

Produced by the pink devil…


Next we could head up the boards to 1st Street and share a 60 oz. Monsterita at Guido’s Burritos, but we left half of the females in our party on the rafts at Seacrets and we’d look a little too Bro-ish sharing a giant Margarita with Tweedle Dee. He is wearing white sunglasses with his hot pink tank top that says “Senior Week something or another” on the front and “You’ve probably seen me on TV’s To Catch a Predator” on the back in sharpie. He should have kept his shirt on at the pool bar. Anyway, we’ll skip Guido’s for today and head up to Hammerhead’s between 9th and 10th where we can stay out of the sun yet still see out onto the boards and people watch. The buildings on the boardwalk will start to block the sun in the afternoon and give that beef jerky you call skin a little break while allowing you to stay outside.

 When we’re done at Hammerheads we’ll take Tweedle Dumb up to Riptide Poolbar on 26th and the boards so he can play corn-hole. Here we can really see a good cross-section of Slocals. By mid afternoon every waiter and waitress in town who got cut because it was slow, or who got off after the lunch rush, or who just called out because they were too hungover to work, will be drowning in Natural Light and that’s not the kind from the sun. The Natty is ice-cold and you can watch people come off  the beach in the late afternoon. This is the perfect spot to lay low for a bit while we wait for Happy Hour to start.

Basking in the slocality of the Riptide pool bar.

Basking in the slocality of the Riptide pool bar.


At 4 o’clock we’re heading around the corner to Mother’s Cantina on 28th and Coastal for Margaritas and $1 tacos. I think only the beef and refried bean tacos are a dollar, but you can get chicken or black bean for a buck fifty, and fish or portobello mushroom tacos for $2 or $2.25.  But don’t quote me on that.  Tweedle Dee is the cheap ass that is sweating the price, I just want the best portobellos I’ve ever tasted.

Do you remember what I said earlier about drinking responsibly and never drinking and driving?  If not…ALWAYS consume alcohol responsibly and NEVER drink and drive!!!

 With that said again, at 5 o’clock we’re heading to Coconuts at the Castle In The Sand Hotel on 37th and the ocean for The Fastest Hour on the Beach.  From 5-6 we can get two of any drink we want, for the price of one. This is not a bad time to partner up with the rest of the crew, especially since Tweedle Dumb just order six shots for us and those girls over there, and they gave him twelve. We’d probably be wise to do our shots, grab half as many beers as we need and go grab a spot on the wall so we can listen to the band while we try to find some semi-sober people who are athletic or at least coordinated enough to be on our beach volleyball team. We’ll just stand there and yell “you got it” at this point.



As the fastest hour on the beach winds down we still have time to head over to 33rd Street and get some Happy Hour priced sushi rolls at the bar at OC Wasabi before 7. I highly recommend the Chuck Webb Roll named after some long time Ocean City bartender whose name I can never remember. If you’re really lucky you can go into the dining room and find the VIP chair at the end of the sushi bar and ask Chuck Webb himself in your best Will Ferrel doing Harry Caray voice, “Hey Chuck Webb, if you were a sushi roll, would you eat yourself?” The answer of course is yes, and you’ll enjoy eating Chuck Webb as well (crabstick, cream cheese, cucumber & smoked salmon topped with eel.) I’ll do my best not to say things like, “every time I get drunk, I end up with Chuck Webb’s roll in my mouth”  over and over and over for the rest of the night, but I can’t make any promises.

 As the day winds down we should probably gather the troops that we left behind at Seacrets and head back to wherever we’re laying our heads for some showers and a long nap before we head back out for some late night shenanigans.

 If it’s really Thursday, a lot of Slocals hit the Pirates Den at 32nd and Baltimore Ave. or Ocean City’s southern Bar-muda Triangle at 28th Street, where Mother’s Cantina, The Pit and Pub, and Buxy’s Salty Dog Saloon are all popular.

 Those beers and bombs are also still on special Thursday night at Seacrets for what they call “Little Friday” if you’re looking for somewhere bigger to hang out, or  if you want to impress some tourists, or see a band.

 If it’s not Thursday, then on Monday everyone is heading to Fager’s Island for the deck party. Tuesday is for Macky’s theme parties (54th bayside) and Pickles (8th and Philadelphia Ave.) Wednesdays see the crowd pack into Fish Tales at 22nd in the Bahia Marina for 75 cent Natural Light drafts, and Sunday night has been seeing a good turn out downtown on Talbot Street at MR Ducks on the bay or at the northern Bar-muda Triangle on 94th Street (Kirby’s, Bull on the Beach, and Liquid Assets).  Of course if you don’t like my suggestions you’re welcome to go fucking find your own places to enjoy libations in Ocean City.  Don’t forget West Ocean City.  And remember…ALWAYS consume alcohol responsibly and NEVER drink and drive. AND for god’s sake, TIP YOUR BARTENDERS.

Kirby's, a part of the North Bar-muda triangle.

Kirby’s, a part of the North Bar-muda triangle.

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