Lady Tries To Get Out Of Going To Jail By Offering To Lick Cop’s Butthole

Humor, News — May 26, 2015 at 3:16 pm by

52-year-old Diane Thomas, of Louisiana, got herself into a little bit of trouble earlier this month. On May 16, the police came to her house after she punched her live-in boyfriend several times and scratched him with her fingernails. According to the probable cause affidavit, “She stated that he is a bitch and he got in her face so she beat his ass.” Shockingly, the police were still going to take Thomas to jail after hearing her perfectly logical reasoning for giving her boyfriend a whupping. What the hell else are you supposed to do when a bitch gets in your face? That’s when Thomas decided to throw up a Hail Mary to try to avoid a trip to the slammer. She eloquently said, “If you won’t take me to jail I will get on my knees right now. Officer I will even lick your butt hole.”

diane

Unfortunately for Thomas, the police officer politely declined her very generous offer, and she was taken to jail. Thomas was charged with domestic abuse battery and public bribery, and she was later released on $5,000 bond. While Thomas’ indecent proposal didn’t work out, adding some butt play into the mix was definitely the right move. It’s 2015, for crying out loud. If you’re not willing to toss some salad like your name’s Romaine, you’re a giant prude. Trying to get off the hook with only a blowjob would’ve never worked in a million years. That would’ve been like offering him a peck on the cheek. My only advice for Diane would be to not get discouraged. There’s no shame in taking a loss after giving it your all. Like the old saying goes, “You miss 100% of the buttholes you don’t try to lick.”

via Uproxx & The Smoking Gun
cover pic: The Smoking Gun

8 Comments

  1. Lick it or ticket. Maybe the officer had his hole punched already that evening.

  2. That cop must be racist! Black asshole licking matters!!!

  3. I’z dindu nuffin oscafer, I gotz un gut job an sheeeit, speakin of sheeeeit….can I’z tung fuk ya bunghole, an den I’z can sayz I diddu sumtin…..nomesain..

  4. that’s worse than my dogs act. they only lick their own ass holes, not every other dogs ass holes. that ain’t a lady, it’s a friggen disgusting sloot. bi-pedal animals.

  5. “Lady” – Wonderful, I needed a good laugh this morning. I suspect this individual has been called a few things in the past, but the word lady is perhaps something of a rarity. Perhaps the soubriquet is an acronym:-

    Lick Arse Deparaved Yardie

  6. You peoples is racist! Licking someones butt hole in Africa is exactly the same as saying Aloha in Hawaii.

  7. She mentioned hemorrhoids are just like M&M’s. This beast is a real charmer, nomesayin?

  8. “I’z suck yo dick but good, massah!”

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