Family Blasts Turtle Porn Through Neighborhood, Lost Turtle Returns Home

News — July 10, 2015 at 12:29 am by

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The Week– The Horner family spent hours looking for Boris and Lily in their garden after the pair broke down their enclosure and made a run for it.

Lily was eventually found in the geraniums, but Boris remained missing and the family grew worried. “Anyone who has lost a turtle or tortoise, even momentarily, knows the feeling of near heart-stopping panic,” says the Tortoise Trust.

Increasingly desperate, the Horner family turned to the unusually abundant supply of tortoise pornography on YouTube.

“We went back outside, played that, and lo and behold Boris appeared,” they said.

 

Damn, who would’ve thought, blast a little turtle porn, and the turtles come running. And why is there such an “abundant supply” of tortoise porn on YouTube anyway? Is turtle porn a thing? Why haven’t I been told until now? I’m over here flipping back and forth between shark week and Steve Irwin re-runs, while all the cool kids are out watching turtles give it to each other from the rear.

 

Ps- “Anyone who has lost a turtle or tortoise, even momentarily, knows the feeling of near heart-stopping panic.” — Has to be a joke, right?

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