Does Facebook Ever Make You Want To Throw Up?

Entertainment — July 22, 2014 at 1:46 pm by

By Babes

I’m gonna pretend for a brief moment that I am the late, great, George Carlin.  One of the greatest comics to ever take a stage, Carlin was famous for going on rants about shit that pissed him off.  I’m thinking that his rants were almost like therapy sessions, and blurting it out made him feel better about it.  So fuck it, I’m gonna give it a whirl.

I’ll start by confessing that I’ve become a bit of a Facebook junkie.  It’s what I read on the shitter.  I never thought it would happen to me, but it did, and now I’m hooked.  What is really chafing my ass about it recently are these people that are determined to use Facebook like a fucking diary.  Nobody wants to read about how you took the dog for a walk and are now getting ready for work.  Nobody fucking cares if you’re  “feeling accomplished because you cleaned out your underwear drawer!”  And I sure couldn’t give two flying fucks if you’re heading to the gym.(If you go to the gym so much, why are you still fat?).

I think it’s cool when people post pics about where they are traveling and what they’re doing on vacation.  But I don’t need to see a goddamn picture of every meal they eat while they are there.  I want to see hot girls in their bikinis, I want to see pics of people zip lining, that’s cool.  I don’t want to see pics of people eating a donut at The Fractured Prune, I don’t fucking care.  Be courteous to the people who are reading Facebook people, cut out the bullshit. I’ve yet to figure out the rhyme or reason of the news feed.  Why do I always see posts from the same people?  Oh so and so had a tough day at work, or Sheila took another fucking selfie.  I want to see if the hot girl who sat behind me in English back in the day ever got that boob job.  I want to know if my ex married somebody less attractive than me(fat chance).  I don’t care to see the pics from my old neighbor Mrs. June’s 74th birthday party.  How does her page show up in my news feed everyday!?  I want to see broads with big knockers in their sports bras.(Alright I’m done talking like a character on Boardwalk Empire).  Point is I want to see a wider range of people showing up in my feed. Real quick on this next point; Facebook is not the place for your religious views.  So don’t shove your Bible verses, or your voodoo spells on your Facebook friends, it’s annoying.

I can’t stand when people try to flaunt their money in their posts.  “Oh I can’t believe I have to drive all the way down to the shore to change the a.c. filter in my beach house.”  “Have to go to the BMW dealership tomorrow to get some work done.”  “Agh I have to entertain clients tonight by taking them to Ruth’s Chris; would much rather be curled up at home with a good book.”  Shut the fuck up you pretentious asshole!  Everyone who knows you knows that you’re full of shit.

Great fanpage by the way…

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The next topic is a bit touchy, but dammit don’t shove your kid’s pics down my Facebook throat.  I like a cute kid pic or a funny video as much as the next person, but do we really need to post little Johnny’s 3 month, two-week, three-day picture?  We get it he/she is cute, we don’t need fifteen reminders a day.  These people are camped out in my news feed too.  So please limit the kid’s pics unless they are perfect like mine. Here is my plea to my Facebook friends; please keep it light and funny.  I don’t give a shit about your problems, I don’t care what you decided to name Junior’s hamster, and I most certainly don’t want to see evidence that you have a better life than me.  By the way, you’ll probably be reading this through Facebook, the irony.

 

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