Babes’ Raven All Toilet Team

Featured, Sports and Bets — July 14, 2013 at 2:43 pm by

The Ravens All Toilet Team

We have to consider ourselves extremely lucky as Baltimore football fans.   We have a great team,  a team that we not only hope,  but expect to win every year.  We expect to win the division, we expect to win in the playoffs, and we expect to contend for a Super Bowl.

But we’ve had our share of tough times too.  Remember  those  Ravens’  teams that could score 35 but couldn’t keep teams under 42?  Moreover,  do you remember when we kept teams under 14 but the likes of Stoney Case and Anthony Wright couldn’t have lead our offense down the field against a good college team, much less NFL squads.  We have had some tough times as Ravens fans, albeit few and far between, so this list is a reminder of some of the bad teams and players that we did have to endure to enjoy this success.

I give you the Ravens All Toilet team:

Offense:

Down, set, I suck!

Down, set, I suck!

QB- Scott Mitchell and Elvis Grbac:  This position is a tie because both these guys were God awful in their respective season as starting quarterback. Yes we did make the playoffs with Grbac, but that was with a returning Super Bowl team.  I’ ll never forget the home game in which he threw four picks and then produced  a tear drop that slowly fell from his eye as he sulked on the bench. And then who could forget Scott Mitchell the water buffalo. He was so fat and slow under center he  looked like John Candy in a purple dress.  Or was that Grimace playing quarterback?

RB-Terry Allen/Eric Rhett:  Both of these guys were washed up,  “never really were”, backs that had no business being in the Baltimore backfield.  When I play back in my mind what their workout’s for the team must have looked  like I can’t help but think of Ed O’Neil’s line in Little Giants when the little fat eight year old kid asked Ed what his forty time was.  “I don’t know son, I don’t have a sundial.” It’s funny today because it seems like serviceable running backs grow on trees,  but back when we really needed one in ‘01 for another Super Bowl push, we had to settle for veteran castoffs.  I love you,  but damn you Kelly Gregg.

FB-Rosevelt Potts:  He actually wasn’t that bad,  but the Ravens have had a lot of good fullbacks over the years and he was probably the least productive. I would put Alan Ricard here, but he made up for stinking with his 50 yard fumble recovery touchdown against San Diego.

What's the matter Frank Sanders?  Chicken?

What’s the matter Frank Sanders? Chicken?

WR-Travis Taylor/Frank Sanders/Justin Armour: Out of any position, I would have to say that the great Ozzie Newsome has had the most trouble selecting wide receivers.  Whether in the draft, or in free agency,  we’ve had quite a few misses.  But these three bums stick out to me. Travis Taylor because we spent the 15th overall pick on him, and he just never turned into that true number one wide out.  Frank Sanders was a great possession guy in Arizona but he caught just 15 balls his one year in Baltimore, after we signed him to a four year deal!  And of course there is good old white boy Justin Armour-I just remember thinking; you mean that’s the best guy they can get right now to be an NFL wide receiver?   Can Poe catch?

TE-Brian Kinchen/Cam Quayle/Quinn Sypniewski:  I’m just gonna be honest,  I’m bringing these guys up cause their names make me laugh.  Nobody named Cam Quayle should be playing football.  None of the three were any good here,  but they could have been good blockers, I was a little young to remember the scheme we had on offense under Ted Marchibroda but I do remember we scored some points. So these guys get a bit of a pass.

Quayle with his Mr. Irrelevant trophy.  How fitting.

Quayle with his Mr. Irrelevant trophy. How fitting.

LT-Tony E. Jones: Sorry bro, you make this list ‘cause you held the seat for one of the three best left tackles of all time, you had no chance.

LG-Keydrick Vincent: Key was the very weak link to an otherwise decent offensive line a few years back that blocked for the likes of Willis McGahee while he was here. The guy wasn’t terrible but he always banged up and never really allowed our running game to get to the next level.

C-Steve Everitt:  Our first starting center, the former Wolverine was at the tail end of his career by the time he played here. With the Ravens, the guy was all neck roll and no movement in the run game.

Different team, same expression.

Folau. Different team, same expression.

RG-Spencer Folau: Fuck, this guy used to piss me off!  If you saw a Raven’s QB on the ground back in the early 2000’s, I guarantee you see a dumbass look on the face of number 71 standing right next to him.

RT-Tony Pashos/Oniel Cousins: I put these guys in here because I felt they both had potential, but never reached it. Both were boarder line starters that ended up bouncing around for a few years after B-more, in fact I think Cousins is still riding pine in Cleveland.

Defense:

This section is hard to do because our defense has been the shit for over a decade, but here we go.

DL-Mike Fredrick: This good old boy was a starting DT on our inaugural defense in ‘ 96, and my God our defense was horrible that year. He’s another guy that I remember being all neck roll-I know we can spot our own.

DL-Anthony Pleasant: Another member of the’ 96 just run right by us d- line that gave up over thirty points a game.  Ozzie didn’t have a ton to work with in ‘96 but he shipped out all the dead weight the following year.

Goganious in college.  I thought he was white?

Goganious in college. I thought he was white?

OLB-Keith Goganious:  Who? Exactly, this guy sucked so bad you don’t even remember he played.

ILB-Tavares Gooden: The first supposed heir apparent to Ray, his speed was amazing. So amazing that he would sprint around anybody who tried to block him,  leaving gaping holes for Ray to clean up all the time. Take on a block once in a while Sally!

ILB-Tommy Polley:  Remember how pumped we all were when we got Polley from St. Louis, the local boy who was gonna flourish playing next to Ray. Well Ray got hurt and I’m not sure Polley got another shot in the NFL after how badly he played.  Still cool to see a Dunbar grad in Raven Purple.

CB-Deron Jenkins:  The player that inspired me to do this list, Deron Fucking Jenkins.  A second round pick out of ‘Bama, we had to stick with him, and he stunk for three years!  When he wasn’t giving up TD passes, he was drawing yellow flags, at least he was consistent.

CB-Corey Fuller: Fuller had a good career, but at the stage we got him there was no reason he should have been starting for us. He was the weak link in a very good secondary in the mid 2000’s.

Moore.  Damn, those were some ugly fucking uniforms.

Moore. Damn, those were some ugly fucking uniforms.

S-Stevon Moore:  Another member of the all neck roll team, unfortunately he couldn’t cover anybody.

S-Rondell Jones:  Another member of the just go ahead and score defense in the early days of the Ravens. We probably should have just onside kicked four times a game back in those days.

KR-Yamon Figurs/Lamont Brightful:  It’s a tie with these two made of glass motherfuckers. Fast with a bad case of fumbleitis. Although I have to say that Figurs being here gave birth to one of my favorite game day catch phrases amongst my friends. When anything went wrong in the game for the Ravens;  in the immortal words of the illustrious Mr. Dean….”Figurs!”

Let us all take a second now and rejoice the fact that we are the luckiest fans in the NFL. Let’s not take our current Baltimore Ravens for granted folks.

"Figurs!"

“Figurs!”

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