Attack Dolphins on the Loose

Featured, News — March 12, 2013 at 6:38 pm by

Atlantic Dolphin scientist Justin Gregg brings us this slightly disturbing, if hilarious, bit of Delphic news. The Ukrainian military has apparently lost three of its trained dolphins in the Black Sea. Which might not be so bad, except…. Well, Gregg sets it up perfectly: Uh oh – it seems the Ukrainian Navy has a small problem on their hands.  After rebooting the Soviet Union’s marine mammal program just last year with the goal of teaching dolphins to find underwater mines and kill enemy divers, three of the Ukrainian military’s new recruits have gone AWOL. Apparently they swam away from their trainers this morning ostensibly in search of a “mate” out in open waters. It might not be such a big deal except that these dolphins have been trained to “attack enemy combat swimmers using special knives or pistols fixed to their heads.” So if you are planning a family holiday to the Black Sea this week, I think it’s best you avoid any “friendly” dolphins that might approach – especially if they have KNIVES or PISTOLS strapped to their heads.

In the last month alone we have seen meteorites, sinkholes, and Dennis Rodman attempting to obtain world peace…Where does it end? Now we have to avoid Ukrainian dolphins? When I get in the ocean, I have this vision of a synchronized swim with everyone’s favorite sea mammal. This innocence has been taken from us all, we must now keep watch for dolphins with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads!


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