AJ Pierzynski Writes Diss Letter To Former Red Sox Teammates, Just To Shit On Them.

Sports and Bets — July 23, 2014 at 7:36 pm by

MLB: Boston Red Sox at Seattle Mariners

I’ve heard interviews of AJ Pierzynski before, and he always seemed like a likeable guy with a bad attitude. A good kind of bad, that is. Like if someone had a problem with him, he’d tell them to go fuck themselves and get on with his day. I respect that. But I lost a little respect for him when he went to play baseball in Boston this year, with all those bearded fucks that think the world of themselves. But apparently AJ was too smart to see through their smug, self-righteous, bull shit facade that the whole franchise has tried to put on since 2004. So he wrote them all a letter, and I loved every second of it.

 

Here is AJ’s letter to his former teammates after being designated for assignment in the middle of the season this year.

“So it’s been a week since I was DFA’ed. And yesterday, my ties to the Boston Red Sox were officially cut. So now I’m out here, floating through Major League Baseball like some great, untethered zeppelin just looking for a place to call home for a couple months. And I’m fine with that. Maybe I’ll latch on to a team that ends up officially eliminating you guys from contention on an accidental bloop single off my bat. That’d be kinda cool. Or maybe I’ll just hang out at my brother-in-law’s pub and bait shop and swill craft beers all day while figuring new ways to spend the money you paid me. Either way, I know this is just business, and that’s how it goes.

What I’m finding hard to swallow, however, is this bullshit smear job you guys have been pulling on me since I was unceremoniously dumped. I mean, it’s not like anyone on the team made it easy on me. On the very first day I showed up at spring training, a couple goons pulled me aside, explained that I parked in a spot reserved for Ortiz’s son’s minibike, and whipped me with a chain. But hey, I’m a professional. I figured it was some sort of hazing thing, like my first day with the White Sox when they told me that holding Scott Podsednik’s balls in the shower was part of my job description. Who am I to question?

Turns out, though, that you guys made up your minds long ago that I wasn’t gonna get in your little clique. How else do you explain the way you’d all drone on for hours about how awesome it was when you all had beards last year, when you know damn well that due to an injury suffered on a summer camp visit to a candy factory, when my pores were sealed with caramel, I’m physically incapable of growing one? Or how someone would yell, “Salty woulda had that!” whenever I’d drop something in the clubhouse? Or how I’d return to my locker after each game to find that someone had set all my clothes on fire.

And that crap about me being aloof and always on my phone in a corner of the clubhouse? For your information, whenever I was on my phone, I was checking in on Babatunde, an orphaned boy in Uganda whom I’ve been financially supporting since his village was decimated by pirates and/or robots (I was never very clear on the specifics). Babatunde is unable to speak due to the mouth disease he’s contracted from a lack of fluoride in the water supply, and I sent him a smart phone so we could text each other. So PARDON ME if I was trying to bring a smile to the face of an orphaned Ugandan boy with no shoes and shitty teeth and didn’t have time to listen to yet ANOTHER story about how Jonny Gomes wanted to track down the Marathon bombers on his own or how Mike Carp becomes photoflourescent after drinking Mountain Dew. And if I have to see Napoli shotgun another canned ham… well, let’s just say it’ll be too soon.

As I said, I’m a professional. I’ve been here before. You don’t get to be “the most hated man in baseball” without getting used to teammates throwing shade. I’ll just close by saying if you’re gonna come out and tell the world what an asshole I am, you might want to let them in on your own special brand of hospitality.

PS: Has anyone noticed their toothbrush tasting kinda funny? Just checking. Bye.”

aj2

Way to make them all look like ass holes. They definitely are. Well done, AJ.

(Editor’s note: We know, the letter is fake.)

via Surviving Grady

36 Comments

  1. That’s some funny damn stuff.

  2. Ok, I like this guy…
    ;=8)

  3. Liked him before this letter
    Now I respect him and welcome to cardinal nation!!!

  4. ….and WELCOME TO CARDINAL NATION, ASSHOLE! lol

    (i honestly never heard much abt the guy, but am genuinely welcoming him to the Cardinals)

  5. Way to go AJ! Welcome to Cardinal Nation..hope you stay for longer than 2 months 🙂

  6. Did anybody read the bottom? It says it is fake. Jesus people… But welcome to Cards Nation anyway

  7. Welcome AJ. Thanks for all your veteran leadership in Advance. I know you are gonna like it here.

  8. I don’t understand how the Cardinals fanbase can be so collectively slow yet also consider themselves the best fans in baseball. Maybe it’s an ignorance is bliss thing, I don’t know. READ THE ARTICLE ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM. It is fake. Jesus Christ. I know it’s tough when you try to emulate your team, but try to finish things until the end. The Red Sox may end your team’s season, but they won’t stop you from reading the whole article.

    • Red sox fans are funny to me. They always try to compare themselves to dynasty organizations like St.L and NY Yanks but fall way short every time. Their losing history makes them lack class, judgment and quite frankly #Rings. With that said, enjoy your season. We have 11 championships.

      • Well since they banned my johnny2times username over criticizing your reading comprehension abilities, I guess there is no need to talk about how butt-hurt your fans get because you kind of just illustrated it for everyone. We don’t compare ourselves to dynasty organizations actually, we sucked forever. Didn’t win a World Series for 86 years. Guess what? We have 3 (#Rings) in the last 10 years, and 2 of them came courtesy of your beloved Cardinals. So honestly I should be thanking you, but instead I would rather just laugh at how pathetically self-absorbed you are as a fan base, and for no reason. The self-proclaimed best fans in baseball really came through on Twitter last postseason, throwing low blows at even their own players (Kolten Wong), let alone guys on other teams. The best fans in baseball are in Boston, because we were there through all of it. Yeah we are flawed. But guess what, we know it. Most of us are loudmouths, most of us are drunks, but hey we embrace it. We are better than you. It’s a fact. You know it, we know it, everyone knows it. Everyone hates Boston for a reason. Nobody hears about St. Louis until an episode of “The First 48” comes on. The fact that you guys think you are special really is one of those life mysteries that I will never truly understand, but hey you guys apparently need it. So cling to it, love it, embrace it. You need it. I’m sure you are going to ban this username too, but that is fine. I have to go back to work. You guys go ahead and take some more welcome-selfies greeting your new player and their fake send-off letter that was conjured up by a Boston fan on the internet as a joke. Hopefully you figure out sarcasm before you figure out not to pitch to Ortiz. Oh and before you say steroids, you had Mark McGwire. You can’t. So don’t. You suck.

        • Lol at “Self proclaimed best fans in baseball” sorry bro, we got that title honest. And yes you have picked up 3 rings in 10 years. Congrats and it’s a good start little buddy but you got some catching up to do *Pats head* P.S. Love the crab there.

          • Well take a look at this “Little Buddy”…

            https://twitter.com/BestFansStLouis

            These just look like your everyday, ordinary Americans to me. These don’t seem like the type of people that stick out above the rest as classier or more respectable fans, more importantly members of society. Just good old fashioned hate here, personally I don’t see anything that separates them from anyone else.

            Correct me if I’m wrong though. You can say “it’s a few bad apples”, well guess what, you have a lot of them. Every fan base has them. The Cardinals are no exception, the only thing that is different is that you guys need something to cling to. So if you want to keep the “Best Fans in Baseball” moniker than go ahead, but everyone knows it isn’t true. Even you little buddy.

          • This John/Juan character simply has to be a parody designed to satirize the stereotype of Boston sports fans as smug and wont to take themselves and their teams entirely too seriously. I mean, proclaiming “I’m better than you” on an internet message board is going to be entertaining regardless, but using professional sports as a proxy for such vicarious chest-thumping adds a truly special layer of hilarity.

        • Oh yeah I almost forgot. The “for some reason” that everybody hates you guys may have something to do with the long history of hate and racism. Bussing riots, last pro sports team to integrate, etc. You also Elected Mitt Romney and Ted Kennedy, depending on your political alignment, regardless those were all #Wicked Ideas right!?!? you were also the best triple A team in the majors for almost a century. Have a good one Jaun!

          • Again…just read my below post. If you think racism and hate doesn’t exist in St. Louis or amongst Cardinals fans, then you are dumber than I ever could have imagined. You love your hashtags, so I even put some twitter evidence for you to read. Don’t know if there is any other way to get in your skull.

            https://twitter.com/BestFansStLouis

            The point here is that everyone has these fans. You guys just have a holier-than-thou mindset, and that really blows my mind. You can call it what you want, but reality is reality.

            And you are going to bring politics into this? Well have you heard of Missouri’s Todd Akin? What are your thoughts are on what him if you are so concerned with the moral standings of our state’s respective politicians. Either you don’t know, or you are having selective judgement again. You ain’t that bright, Chip. It’s not your strong suit. You are punching out of your weight class little buddy, just stick to simpler arguments and you might do just a little bit better.

          • http://www.sbnation.com/hot-corner/2013/10/23/4954208/the-best-fans-in-baseball-origins-st-louis-cardinals I never said hate doesn’t exist here. It’s everywhere. Furthermore. We got Atkins ass outta office when he started saying dumb shit. As we would if you ran for a public office. Cuz you say all kinds of dumb shit. Check the link…Learn ya sumn #GoCards… I wish I was half as smart as you Juan. I jus have to settle for winning baseball I guess. Also how is the first 48 st.louis!?!?! I’ve always wondered what neighborhood they would go to

          • you wanna talk about hate and racism, yet you blatantly and abundantly use the n-word in your other posts? Talk about hypocrisy…

          • black and hating on Mitt Romney.. classic. another blind fool. The fact that you’re even bringing politics into this is laughable. this is baseball buddy, I don’t know if you know what that is, so you might wanna leave.

          • Stay in a child’s place….he asked why people hate boston i said Mitt Romney etc…anyway hey did you ever get your rubber rolex?!?!?!?!? Best wishes to you with that!!!

          • Because no white person has ever disagreed with or disliked mitt Romney lol you’re a clown. Not sure how my race got into this.

          • …I’m pretty sure you brought it into the conversation

        • I don’t think you can get more condescending than that superiority complex of a post. Holy shit. Selective attention much? “Me see Cards fans talk shit on twitter. Me Red Sox fan, so we better than you. *grunts*”…And get that false humility shit outta here. “We’re flawed… but ‘we’re better than you. it’s a fact’.” I respect Boston’s org, team and fanbase, but damn you make that harder than it should be with your east coast superiority bullshit. But unlike you I won’t stereotype a whole fanbase based on one conceited Sox asshole as ignorant as your ass. There are shitty Cards fans and shitty Sox fans but neither reps the majority, so STFU sit down and ENJOY AMERICA’S PASTIME DAMMIT.

        • Fuck you 2 times, Boston suck, always have always will. You don’t know what about a winning franchise, your last 3 years have been great, but we’ve been doing that for over 100 years. Fuck you

        • juan2times,…
          do you hear yourself,…?????
          “you guys think your special but you’re not but we are,….”
          so you say that we claim to be the “self proclaimed best fans in baseball,…?” and rail on how snobbish it is to think that way, yet you then say it your self about your own gargle mouth talking fan base,…???
          I have lived here all of my life and have been a Cardinals fan all of my life and have never proclaimed me or my friends as the best fans in baseball,… you know who does,…? the media,. every year, every sport, every championship that team is deemed the best fans in that sport,.. seems like to me,…
          so get over yourself and your team that is “special” but no other team is,….??? and while yes you have won 3 in 10 years,.. we have won 2,… but we also didn’t have a 86 year drought,….
          numb nuts,… did you hear that,… 86 year drought,… this Cardinal team has stayed consistent and have showed up every now and then at least to contend AND win one now and then,…
          no 86 year drought here,……
          so spit the rocks out of your mouths Boston fans,…
          we’re all the same here, we watch baseball and other sports we root for our team, we’re proud when we win we’re sad when we lose or don’t win (like you dumb fucks for 86 years)
          but we don’t proclaim to be the best fans in baseball as you proved to have,…
          and Ortiz is a cheating other fucker just like all the rest of those juice heads,….
          and PS mother fucker,,….
          remember this, … the Pats haven’t won a super bowl since they got caught (and admitted to ) cheating in pro football,…
          so all your shit is tainted,…….

        • Lmfao this guy is so right! Cheers to being a New Englander. One thing we know is SARCASIM for damn sure. Please everyone be quiet don’t embarrass yourselves.

  9. it said it was fake at the bottom he isn’t joining the cardinals!!

  10. hey Johnny, or Juanny 2 times (or whatever). I heard that it was Boston that sucked.

  11. HAHAHAH EVERYBODYS team’s that are listed here are nothing compared to Red Socks, let alone New England Sports. Where should we start? Football? Hockey? Hmm.. U decide.

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